Category: humor


I have long joked that I am going to form an organization to be called “Chickens Unlimited,” modeled on Ducks Unlimited, dedicated to the preservation of domestic poultry. Chickens Unlimited’s first priority would be the construction of new coops for my flocks of chickens. Yearly memberships would be available; you could even adopt a particular hen, or rooster, and receive a photo of “your” bird and occasional updates about their life.

The Bitcoin and Ethereum digital currencies, aka cryptocurrencies, are probably the best known applications of the blockchain secure, distributed ledger. Issuance of a new digital currency, via an ICO (initial coin offering) is now a common method of raising initial funding for business startups. The value of digital currencies fluctuate greatly. Buy the right coin and you can make a mint.

Cryptocurrencies, as they are digital, usually only exist in cyberspace; however, physical coins do exist. Here is a photo of physical Bitcoins.

phyical bitcoins

Physical Bitcoins

Great news! Chickens Unlimited lives! Here’s your chance to get in on the ground floor. Don’t miss out on the hottest ICO in some time. The KatkaKoin is now available. Build you own digital nest egg.

katkakoin digital currency issued by chickens unlimited

KatkaKoin Cryptocurrency – Chickens Unlimited

Notice that Bitcoin’s circuit board motif has been replaced in KatkaKoin by more appropriate chicken wire (poultry netting). The title KatkaKoin was chosen for Katka Mountain Road in northern Idaho where my homestead is located.

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Here is the squadron insignia of the 1st Polar Airlift Squadron, known as “Santa’s Own,” to which are assigned Santa’s eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. The Latin motto, “UNA NOCTA TOTIUS MUNDI,” translates as “The entire world in one night.”

first_polar_airlift_patch_blog

And this is the night operations, arctic/polar blue, subdued camouflage version:

first_polar_airlift_subdued_blog

The First Polar Airlift Squadron (1st PAS) has a long and storied history. Based at the North Pole the 1st PAS is best known for providing airlift for Santa Claus during his annual, global, nocturnal delivery using venerable, reliable air-mobile RT-1 Reindeer (aka Caribou – Rangifer tarandus) generally deployed in teams of eight. For operations during inclement weather the squadron maintains one Reindeer equipped with a “RUDOLPH” enhanced red navigation lighting system.

For heavylift missions at other times of the year the 1st PAS also maintains a fleet of air-mobile A-1 Moose (Alces alces), one of which was featured earlier on this blog.

There are some who think I make these things up. The squadron did ask me to design the patch, so, in a sense, I did make it up. However the idea that the 1st PAS does not exist is just not true. Here’s a photo of Santa Claus on a training flight over Greenland , in the training sleigh “ICEBAT -1,” which was forwarded to me by the squadron public information officer. It is even signed by the jolly, old elf himself. What better proof could there be that the 1st PAS exists? The subdued version of the squadron patch can be seen on the left side of the sleigh.

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The insignia is easier to see in this enlargement:

fpas_slay_blog_enl

Not only can the unit insignia be seen, but, as Santa takes flight safety very seriously, you can see that both he and the elf in the back seat are wearing flight helmets. You might also note that Santa is not wearing the traditional red suit. Instead he is wearing caribou fur the reindeer need not be made aware of that) as it is much warmer than the red getup and does not require multiple layers of thermal underwear.

The unit insignia are available on many items at one of my Zazzle stores. Ten percent of all proceeds from these items will be donated to charity. Search for “airlift.”

mr. molotov's pale ale

Mr. Molotov’s Pale Ale

A bit of dark humor this time – a label from a bottle of Mr. Molotov’s Pale Ale brewed by mythical High Octane Brewing Company.

Mr. Molotov’s Pale Ale[/caption]Vyacheslav Mikhailovich Molotov was Soviet Minister of Foreign Affairs under Josef Stalin. Along with text reading “Mr. MOLOTOV’S Pale Ale” and “OCTANE RATING: 93.” Additional includes health warnings and the name of the brewery. Customizable text reading “Toss ‘Em A Molly” also appears. I often refer to Molotov cocktails as Mr. Molotov’s Pale Ale.

The Molotov Cocktail (Russian: Коктейль Молотова) is an improvised incendiary device, usually a gasoline-filled bottle. As they are extremely easy to make they are often used in riots, by street gangs, and by guerrilla fighters. The idea is to set the target ablaze, as opposed to blowing it up with explosives.

While most probably first used during the Spanish civil war in the 1930’s, the term “Molotov Cocktail” was coined by the Finns, as a jibe against Molotov, during the Winter War (1939-40) following a Russian invasion. Molotov claimed on Soviet radio that the bombs the Russians were dropping on Finland were actually humanitarian food deliveries for the starving Finns. The FInns referred to Soviet cluster bombs as “Molotov bread baskets.” Later, the Finns called gasoline incendiary devices used against Soviet tanks “Molotov cocktails,” a beverage to accompany the bread. Minister Molotov did not much care for the term.

Light up the party; toss ’em a Molly. Please do not try this at home or on the street. Leave it to the professional radical; especially as most people make a critical mistake when constructing Molotov cocktails and are more likely to immolate themselves than their intended target.

I enjoyed making this project as it required thinking about both artistic and technical elements. Making the label itself was quite fun, and then so was rendering a 3D bottle with the label image correctly sized and oriented in DAZ Bryce. I think I was fairly successful in giving the label the look of second-rate, poor quality which was typical of many items printed in the Soviet Union.

As usual the image is available on a growing list of items at one of my Zazzle stores. Search for “molotov.”

mr. molotov's pale ale label

A Molly Label

a flaming bottle of mr. molotov's pale ale

Don’t Try This At Home

Of course, the bush pilots at Flying Moose Aviation have their own, specially-designed, pilot’s wings featuring Milton, the Flying Moose, wearing a leather aviator’s helmet and goggles.

Click on image for full-size view.

flying moose aviation pilot's wings

Flying Moose Aviation Pilot’s Wings

 

Reindeer (Caribou), Rangifer tarandus, may suffice for once-yearly, late-December deliveries, but when you need a heavy lift capability nothing beats the Flying Moose, Alces volanti.  Not only is the Flying Moose able to lift a much heavier payload than is the Reindeer, but its wings allow for greater precision when landing as well as hovering capability.  A wild Flying Moose, sighted somewhere over British Columbia, is pictured below.

Click on image for full-size view.

flying moose - alces volanti

Alces volanti – the Flying Moose

The Flying Moose has been adopted by at least one mythical, all-purpose flying service in Talkeetna Alaska – Flying Moose Aviation (FMA). FMA’s motto is “Flightseeing, glacier landings, cargo, hunting and fishing charters.  We fly; tell us where you want to go.”  A leather patch, as worn by FMA bush pilots on their jackets, is below.

Click on image for full-size view.

flying moose aviation logo patch

Flying Moose Aviation Jacket Patch

The reference to “combat fishing” in the Cyanotic Salmon Bar & Grill posting from August got me to thinking that there should be an award for those who have survived the experience. So, using the U.S. Army Combat Infantryman Badge, awarded to soldiers who have been in active ground combat, as a guide I have devised the Alaska Combat Fisherman Badge.

us army combat infantryman badge

U.S. Army Combat Infantryman Badge

Click on image for full-size view.

an alaska combat fisherman badge based on the us army combat infantryman badge

The Alaska Combat Fisherman Badge

You can see the similarity between the two. The dark blue color of Alaska’s flag replaces the light blue of the military award and I have substituted conifer branches for the elliptical oak wreath.  A Sockeye Salmon, in spawning red coloration, on a dark blue background, over a conifer branch wreath. The fish is a male Sockeye Salmon (Oncorhynchus nerka) in the red color it assumes for spawning.

I also worked up a green and black, embroidered “subdued” version as you would see on combat clothing.

a black and green, "subdued" embroidered varsion of the alaska combat fisherman badge

Subdued Alaska Combat Fisherman Badge

Honor the soldiers who have fought for our freedom.

Always remember that salmon runs are threatened in many places by mining, pollution, dams and other problems. Managed properly, salmon can feed humans for millions of years; long after dams have collapsed, long after mines have been depleted. Do what you can to help preserve them and never, never, never buy farmed salmon.

As usual, these images, and a couple of variations, are available on many items at my Zazzle store.

Alaska Groan

A parody of the well known "Alaska Grown" logo.

Click on image for full-size view.

alaska groan

Parody of the Alaska Grown logo

It can get rather chilly in Alaska. At one time I lived where the temperature on winter nights regularly got down below minus sixty. The Alaska Grown logo serves to increase consumer awareness and consumption of Alaska agricultural products. I highly recommend you try Alaska-grown products whenever possible. The long days of summer can make for some very healthy vegetables including carrots as sweet as candy.

This is the Alaska Grown original:

alaska grown

Alaska Grown

Matanuska Moose Milk

An old sign from world famous and entirely mythical Matanuska Moose Milk dairy farm in Willow Alaska; not too far from Anchorage. In the image a milkmaid can be seen hand milking Matilda the farm’s first dairy moose.

Click on image for full-size view.

matanuska moose milk dairy farm sign

Matanuska Moose Milk Dairy

This is North America’s first and only moose dairy. When they make Moose Tracks ice cream, it’s the real thing; and the moosarella cheese makes great pizza.

matanuska moose milk plastic jug label

The label seen on the dairy’s plastic milk jugs

Believe it or not there are moose dairies; a small number in Russia and one in Sweden.

Moose milk is commercially farmed in Russia. The milk is high in butterfat (10%) and solids (21.5%), according to data collected on Russian moose; research into American moose milk is in a less advanced state than in Russia, but appears to indicate that American moose have even higher concentrations of solids in their milk. Moose milk is said to be a bit salty and bitter; with a hint of pine or spruce needles.

A farm-born moose calf is taken from its mother within 2–3 hours after birth and is raised by people. It is first bottle-fed pure moose milk for about a week, but then it is diluted and gradually replaced with a milk substitute. The calves imprint and become attached to humans.

moose milk carton

Also available in cartons

The Russians say moose soon recognize the milkmaids as their substitute as her substitute calves. Milkmaids spread amniotic fluid on their hands to further this process. Having become accustomed to humans the animals are released to the forest; but visit the farm every day to be milked during the lactation period (typically, until September or October).

Some animals become more attached to the farm than do others. The Russians hope that after several generations they will see the development of domesticated moose. This effort is hampered by the fact that in the free-range conditions farm moose cows often mate with wild bulls.

During winter the animals roam free throughout the surrounding forest. They usually do not stray too far, but spend much of their time at nearby woodlots where trees are being cut, feeding on the by-products of timber operations. And they know the farm as the place for a daily rations of oatmeal, and as a safe place to give birth to their young.

One Russian sanitorium serves moose milk to residents in the belief that it helps them recover from disease or manage chronic illness more effectively. Some Russian researchers have recommended that moose milk could be used for the prevention of gastro-enterological diseases in children.

Kostroma Moose Farm began operations in 1963 under the aegis of Kostroma Oblast Agricultural Research Station which established a moose husbandry laboratory coordinate research conducted at the farm, both by Kostroma zoologists and scientists from Moscow and elsewhere. Kostroma lies at the confluence of the Volga and Kostroma rivers; approximately 200 miles northwest of Moscow.

In addition to milk the Kostroma farm engages in the harvest of antler velvet. A bull moose grows a new pair of antlers every summer. Similar to the deer and reindeer (caribou) farms in New Zealand and Siberia, moose antlers can be harvested while they are still soft and covered with velvet, which is used for the manufacture of certain pharmaceutical products.

Tourists may also visit the farm. Though access to the farm is strictly controlled to protect the animals from disease. Visit to the facility can be arranged through the Kostroma Tourism Bureau.

Two other Russian farms, intending to raise moose for meat failed after a short time. Meat sales did not cover the costs of production which can be as much as ten times higher than for beef. And moose are not stupid. They soon stop returning to a place of slaughter.

The Elk (Moose are called Elk in Europe) House (Älgens Hus) farm in Bjurholm, Sweden is believed to be the world’s only producer of moose cheese. The cheese sells for about 500 dollars per pound. Algens Hus’ restaurant offers moose-cheese dishes. Cheese plain with bread or biscuits, or better yet, frozen moose mousse. Best served with raspberries.

drink moose milk

Drink Moose Milk!

Orbital Tuber

I have met people who do not believe Idaho is a real place. Others know it it is somewhere in flyover territory, but can not place it any better – “Isn’t that somewhere near Nebraska?” Mostly, people just think it is a backward place. Not true! Idaho has a space program and placed a satellite in orbit.

Spudnik - 1 Orbital Tuber

Spudnik – 1

The scientists and engineers at the Idaho Space Authority dubbed it the Idaho Geosynchronous Agriculture and Forest Fire Observation Tuber, or IGAFFOT for short. IGAFFOT does not exactly roll off the tongue so the governor sponsored a satellite naming contest among the state’s elementary school students. There were a number of suggestion including Tater Tot, but almost 99 percent of the students suggested Spudnik; and so it was.

During a television interview the director of the Idaho Space Authority explained that potatoes make wonderful observation platforms as they can be mass-produced locally and generally have several eyes. In addition, when the orbit decays the tuber is re-entry baked by friction with the atmosphere. All you need if you find one of these satellites after it comes down is butter, salt and pepper; with maybe a bit of sour cream.

I was able to obtain an example of the cloth mission patch:

Spudnik -1 Cloth Mission Patch

Spudnik -1 Cloth Mission Patch